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O =6? TCounseling Marital Conflicts Copyright Melvin Wong, Ph.D. 2001 All Rights Reserved8U1<8  Melvin W. Wong, Ph.D. Licensed Clinical Psychologist www.ChristianMentalHealth.com Students@ChristianMentalHealth.com Services@ChristianMentalHealth.com Tel (510)794-8898 Fax (510)475-1473 220 Montgomery St., Suite 1098, San Francisco, CA 94104 1357 Mowry Ave., Fremont, CA 94538Z7PxFF%\PF FF##F%\Healthy Marital Relationships;Ingredients of a Good Relationship Cohesion and Flexibility&##     !Healthy Marital RelationshipslIngredients of a Good Relationship Cohesion and Flexibility Effective Communication Skills Nurturing of  Love & Intimacy Extended-Family Health Biblical Family Priority over Culture#&#DDDDD& D 6The Five-Hierarchical Harmonious Relationships (The Five-Orders) N+P Copyright (C) Melvin W. Wong, Ph.D. 1996-2000Br/c!.  :Biblical Order of Relationships  The New Five-Orders eN+P Copyright Melvin W.Wong, Ph.D. 2000FaP6g%& =Christ the King and His Children (Isaiah 9:6-7) Love and Sacrifice Husband and Wife (Ephesians 5:21-25 ) Love and Commitment Parents and Children (Ephesians 6:1-2 ) Love and Acceptance Fellowship of Believers (1 John 4:11-12 ) One another love Friends, Strangers & Enemies(Matthew 22:39 ) Hospitality and Forgivenessh1 " PP& " PP( " PP* " PP- " PP DFF fFDDFfF D DFfFDDFfFD D  F   f  F $D$7Healthy Marital RelationshipsIngredients of a Good Relationship Cohesion and Flexibility Effective Communication Skills Nurturing of  Love & Intimacy Extended-Family Health Biblical Family Priority over Culture In-laws Expectations (Imposed & Self)#L#DDDDDL D Unhealthy Marital RelationshipsPoor Communication Skills Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, Stonewalling Poor Conflict Resolution Skills Family of Origin Issues Sibling Position & Psychological DynamicsnZ1Z8Z*ZD1F8D*DA!B"Family of Orgin & MarriageDf  Parrallel Process: Emotional Transferance Past infringes on Present (Unresolved conflicts) Unconscious and/or Subconscious Process  Generally not considered to be controllable  The Present Recapitulates the Past Using Present Experience to correct Past Wrongs Susceptibility stronger: Emotional Turmoil Develop Awareness and Insight: Consciousness Resolve Unfinished Businesses with family*ZYZ.Z%Z0ZZ*Y.%  0  I    *  $  ^C#Family Tree Diagram (Genogram) * PDF( D$!Casts of the Dysfunctional Family""F+D E%!Casts of the Dysfunctional Family""F+D F&!Casts of the Dysfunctional Family""F+D G'!Casts of the Dysfunctional Family""F+D H(!Casts of the Dysfunctional Family""F+D I)!Casts of the Dysfunctional Family""F+D J*iCasts of the Dysfunctional Family Adapted from: Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse, 1985, Health Communications, FLZj!F+fFfFF!F6 (REnabler: Tries to control to make things OK Hero: Be perfect & problems will go away Scapegoat: Rebel against family problems & then finally believing that s/he is the problem Lost Child: Retreats, withdraws & isolates self from meaningful relationships Mascot (Clown): Desperately makes everyone laugh admist the family tragedy. PamperedjSZ%$ Q CF.L,Unhealthy Marital Relationships/Poor Communication Skills Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, Stonewalling Poor Conflict Resolution Skills Family of Origin Issues Sibling Position & Psychological Dynamics Personality Disorders in Relationships Self-Centered Husband & Dependent Wife Dependent Husband & Controlling Wife Mid-Life CrisesZ1Z8Z*Z'ZLZZ18*'L  Prevention is Better than CurePremarital Counseling Pastoral Professional Dating-Courtship Training Sex Culture and Sex Education Good Parenting Role-Model & Education Early Teaching: IQ-EQ Issues Relational Health as important as Academicst&I&I  When Intervention is NeededBasics: Gender Matching & Couple Effort Conflict: Chronic or Acute? Chronic: Refer Case Manager Role, Not Counselor Role Acute: Crisis Intervention Provide a  Safe-Place (Holding Environment) Never Take Sides Dual-Relationships destroy all RelationshipsD&--D&-  -^Not  Throwing the Baby Out with the Bath Water jChildren s Needs & Happiness Often Neglected as Parents are Absorbed in their own pain and suffering Children drawn into Triangulation-Conflict System as Messenger Myth of  Amicable divorce Damage has been done: Divorce or not Need to care for children of divorce Needs of favored First-born daughters & sonsPZwZw  Short-term Pastoral Intervention^Establish Realities of Pain & Suffering Believe the Person with Pain: Victim? Develop Empathy:  Beyond my own Pain Pain-Pleasure Polarity:  Recalibration Acknowledge Hopelessness & Helplessness Prayers and Visitation: Accountability Encourage Networking with Cell Groups Prevent Drop-out: Reduce Shameb(&&Pl(&&Pl   !Long-term Professional CounselingrAfter the Crisis has Resolved but Conflicts continue: Frequency & Intensity Physical-Sexual Intimacy is reduced/absent When  The Affair stays (mental-physical) Personality Disorders are Characteristics Depression & Anxiety are Serious Suicide Prevention, Medication Management  Problem Child Issue that persists`L+u*$L+u*$ VHow to Make a Referral? ChristianMentalHealth.com Referrals@ChristianMentalHealth.com @WFF!#  Thoughtfulness makes Referral Succeed  You are too messed up so I can t help you Problem is Chronic & You Ran out of Solutions After the Referral: Your Care Continues How did the week go? Counseling Helpful? Learned Anything? Establish Link with Professional`&Z(=!&Z(=!  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