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|`W0  M "    !%&'()"#$ *./0_$$2$eJY^v<02$~my `IgxR2$򈨝0vǿcG M AA1?`ff@f8F  uʚ;u&N/ʚ;g4)d)d@z[ 0ppp@ <4!d!dl 0Tv<4ddddl 0Tv<4`d`dl 0Tvg4`d`d@z[ 0Fp@ ppT0___PPT10 pp___PPT9P2L^pPx h."b#b$T%b&`? -O =V Emotional Codependence0 By Robert Brennan, M.A. MFTI Apokata. Psychological Services 220 Montgomery Street, Suite 1098 San Francisco, CA 94103 www.ChristianMentalHealth.com R $ $$:$, W Course Objectives: "! Understand the behavior of codependence Understand the difference between interdependent and codependent relationships Damage of codependence in relationships and person XZx#$$3#$  $#$=2Course Objectives: "! q Reordering the Codependents perspective to trust God. How to help others or ourselves recover from codependencefq!5#$$ ! : # $ : Portraits of men and women struggling with codependence ;;!\Portrait #1  Man codependent on other men Same sex attraction, single, 25 yrs. Expects masculine men to care for him in a nurturing way Frustration with lack of compliance others have to his standards Complains of inconsideration of others Believes he is not likable Feels powerless and victimized r+ ####!<0: Portraits of men and women struggling with codependence ;;!Cultural Codependence Portraits Portrait #2 Men codependent on women for sex Portrait #3 Mothers codependent on their children to feel meaning and purpose Portrait #4 Minister codependent on congregation to be holy  # #!# #B# #1### A Characteristics and Symptoms of Codependence vs. Interdependent BB#$Codependent Patterns Difficult Identifying Feelings Difficult Expressing Feelings Difficult Forming and and Maintaining close relationships~w! #$  $#$$:#$ C Characteristics and Symptoms of Codependence vs. Interdependent 2D!@#$!Codependent Patterns Perfectionism-expectations of others Rigid and Stuck in attitudes and behavior Difficulty adjusting to change n!a$c$C$) c $C$c$C$C$A Characteristics and Symptoms of Codependence vs. Interdependent *B'$A#$lCodependent Patterns Overly Responsible for other s behavior and feelings Need approval Difficult making decisions Feel powerless Shame and low self worth/perceived failures in life x#!4! ! _!  *Patterns of Codependence By Robert Burney 8+!##The Aggressive-Aggressive defense or "militant bulldozer" The Aggressive-Passive person, or "self-sacrificing bulldozer" The Passive-Aggressive, or "militant martyr," The Passive-Passive, or "self-sacrificing martyr" 4<!!! Codependence Definition !  Codependence Definition *!%^This is a relationship where another person's behavior is affecting the codependent s sense of well-being, and they become obsessed with controlling that person's behavior. Z#$#$ #$"$#$#$#$ #$ " $#$#$ #$ The Word Codependence "!Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) Founding of treatment centers in the late 1950s and early 1960s. Mid-to-late 1970 s Behavior patterns of families affected by addiction. Family Systems Dynamics. Adults who had grown up in Alcoholic families ^ZBZZZ5ZYZZ!!B# #" !  ! 5# # " # '  #  $"$ -(#( ,', 0#0 #& Family Rules Sustaining Codependence *'%&! Don t Talk About Problems Don t Express Feelings Openly Always Communicate Indirectly Expectations Are Unrealistic, Fantasy-Based V#$$#$  $M#$ & Family Rules Sustaining Codependence <'%$!% Don t Be Selfish Do As I Say ... Not As I Do It s Not OK To Play, Relax Don t Rock The Boat `#$#$$ # $$#$$#$  $$$$6+Progression of Codependence :%$$By Robert Subby#$ $%&'6Treatment from Codependency The Bible on Codependence T7#$'$' ' 4Letting Go of Over-Responsibility "If I don't do it, it won't get done right. Someone has to do it, I guess it'll have to be me." Exodus 18:13-24 Whenever they have a dispute, it is brought to me, and I decide between the parties and inform them of God's decrees and laws."  Moses' father-in-law replied, "What you are doing is not good. You and these people who come to you will only wear yourselves out. NZZZZ"!C!!!! #  +#":#"#":#"9#"##@3Treatment from Codependency *!%Letting God Give Us Rest "It's O.K. It is not that bad. I can manage, thanks. I wouldn't actually say I'm burdened, I just get a little tired sometimes." Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. :ZZZZZ!## #  " 6##8##:##9####A4Treatment from Codependency!Letting Go of Denial "We dress up when we go to church and we smile a lot. As long as no one comes to the house, no one really knows that things aren't going well. Psalm 102:1-11, 17-20 "The Lord looked down from his sanctuary on high, from heaven he viewed the earth, to hear the groans of the prisoners and release those condemned to death"!8##T## #  # =``<``"`7,Treatment from Codependency *!%Letting God Help Us Tell the Truth Being nice may feel safe and may even feel "Christian" to many people. The reality is that "nice is often a lie. It is often a cover for deep hurt and anger. Matthew 18:15-17 "If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. ZZZZ$!*##A##1## # =! ;! !!B5 Treatment from Codependency *!%Letting Go of Blame "I am miserable. It is all your fault. If you would change, I would be happy again." Genesis 3:1-13  Then the Lord God said to the woman, "What is this you have done?"The woman said, "The serpent deceived me, and I ate." lZZ{ZZ!!>!!!!# x !  !"(C6Treatment from Codependency!2Letting God Take Care of Those We Love "I can't just sit here and do nothing. He needs me now more than ever. No one understands him like I do. I'm his only hope." Mark 10:17-23 "I can't just sit here and do nothing. He needs me now more than ever. No one understands him like I do. I'm his only hope." ZZ~Z&!#u####$#; !  ! @ ! !(Treatment from Codependency *!%Psychotherapy Issues Spiritual integration of belief in Unconditionally Loving God Reduce self hate, guilt and self punishment Learn to feel and express anger %>!$- ! $!$"* Treatment from Codependency!XPsychotherapy Issues Identify and nurture  true self expression Restructure cognitive beliefs about relationship rules and boundaries Develop self worth and self respect,k%%,!$F ! $$!8. Treatment from Codependency !Psychotherapy Issues Develop healthy relationships with clear boundaries Reconcile boundary violations and confront family rules Develop true self %%3!$9 ! $!$+!Treatment from Codependency!D 12 Step Program The Twelve Promises of Co-Dependents Anonymous E%'$#$&$#$.#$!B1'.The Twelve Promises of Co-Dependents Anonymous//# U1.I know a new sense of belonging. The feeling of emptiness and loneliness will disappear. 2.I am no longer controlled by my fears. I overcome my fears and act with courage, integrity and dignity. 3. I know a new freedom. 4.I release myself from worry, guilt, and regret about my past and present. I am aware enough not to repeat it. .TZZ#"X# ' #"g#' # $"$(#(,',0#04"4m8#8<'<#2(.The Twelve Promises of Co-Dependents Anonymous//# 5.I know a new love and acceptance of myself and others. I feel genuinely lovable, loving and loved. 6.I learn to see myself as equal to others. My new and renewed relationships are all with equal partners. 7.I am capable of developing and maintaining healthy and loving relationships. The need to control and manipulate others will disappear as I learn to trust those who are trustworthy. ZZ#"b# & #"j#" # $'$(#(3).The Twelve Promises of Co-Dependents Anonymous//# G8.I learn that it is possible to mend - to become more loving, intimate and supportive. I have the choice of communicating with my family in a way which is safe for me and respectful of them. 9.I acknowledge that I am a unique and precious creation. 10.I no longer need to rely solely on others to provide my sense of worth. G#"# & #"7#&J # $&$((4*.The Twelve Promises of Co-Dependents Anonymous//# 11.I trust a guidance I receive from my Lord Jesus and come to believe in my own capabilities. 12.I gradually experience serenity, strength, and spiritual growth in my daily life.<_#&U#," Resources  !TAgainst the Wall, men's reality in a codependent culture, by Marshal Hardy and John Hough Back from Betrayal, Recovering from His Affairs, by Jennifer Schneider, M.D. Beyond Codependency, and getting better all the time, by Melody Beattie Boundaries & Relationships, knowing protecting & enjoying the self, by Charles L. Whitfield, M.D. tU" ZZ#M#  H#c#-# Resources * !%LBoundaries: Where You End and I Begin, by Anne Katherine, M.A. Choice-Making, for codependents, adult children and spirituality seekers, by Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse Codependence: misunderstood-mistreated, by Anne Wilson Schaef Codependent No More, how to stop controlling others and start caring for yourself, by Melody Beattie tM" Z?#f#  ?#f#, ? f.$ Resources * !%Facing Codependence, by Pia Mellody Healing Together: a guide to intimacy and recovery for co-dependent couples, by Wayne Kritsberg I'm Dying To Take Care of You, nurses and codependence, breaking the cycles, by Candace Snow and David Willard `" $!`! o!,U q/% Resources * !%PIn Sickness and In Health: The Codependent Marriage, by Mary S. Stuart Is It Love or Is It Sex?: Why Relationships Don't Work, by Carla Wills-Brandon Leaving the Enchanted Forest: The Path From Relationship Addiction to Intimacy, by Stephanie Covington and Liana Beckett Lost In the Shuffle, the codependent reality, by Robert Subby rQ" G#O#  y#?#I0& Resources * !%>Reclaiming your self: the codependent's recovery plan, by Brian DesRoches Step-By-Step Guide To Recovery, for all adult survivors and codependents, by Mohan Nair Talk, Trust, And Feel, keeping codependency out of your life, by Melody Beattie The Truth Will Set You Free, by Fr. Jack McGinnis and Barbara Shlemon =" ZZJ#X#  ##$?  :/Emotional Codependence0 By Robert Brennan, M.A. MFTI Apokata. Psychological Services 220 Montgomery Street, Suite 1098 San Francisco, CA 94103 www.ChristianMentalHealth.com R $ $$:$, W/T>?D+  ` f [f f3̙` 999f~` ___` 33f3f` f33f 3f3̙` 33f̙3f>?" dd@,?Zd@  d " @ `"  n?" dd@   @@``@n?" dd@  @@``PP   @ ` ` p>>K0 - G(     # l\=1 ?"  = T Click to edit Master title style! !Z    f=1 ?"  = RClick to edit Master text styles Second level Third level Fourth level Fifth level!     Sl  # l=1 ?"  = JExodus Asia Conference 2003 Taipei *&&$$  # l=1 ?" = Z*  # l =1 ?" = February 2003   `1?" 4 j  S A ??" x   `dD$88޽h? ? f [f f3̙ Lock And KeyI K0 - 0 E(     # lcC1 ?" U  C T Click to edit Master title style! !   fTB1 ?" t C W#Click to edit Master subtitle style$ $  # l1 ?"0  B X*  # llC1 ?"   B Z*  # lȳC1 ?" C Z*j   S A ??"0P `  H޽h? ? f [f f3̙ 0 zr (    0 P    P*    0ď     R*  d  c $ ?    0ȏ  @  RClick to edit Master text styles Second level Third level Fourth level Fifth level!     S  6͏ `P   P*    6я `   R*  H  0޽h ? ̙3380___PPT10.4K0  t\(  tx t c $dC  C  t c $`C  @p<$ 0 C H t 0޽h ? f [f f3̙> K0 @xf(  xr x S  v    C  x S  ɲ  <$ 0 v "p`PpH x 0޽h ? f [f f3̙J K0 P<r(  <x < c $pC    C  < c $  <$ 0 C "p`PpH < 0޽h ? f [f f3̙( K0 `|P(  |r | S C    C  | S C   <$ 0 C H | 0޽h ? f [f f3̙B K0 p4j(  4x 4 c $tC    C  4 c $C   <$ 0 C H 4 0޽h ? f [f f3̙( K0 P(  r  S HC    C   S C    <$ 0 C H  0޽h ? f [f f3̙> K0 f(  r  S  K0 f(  r  S G    G   S  C  <$ 0 G "p`PpH  0޽h ? f [f f3̙K0 8(    c @&G1?ppf jPersonal Boundaries : '  F V  Pp` @ Y Y0@ Y9  Y9H  # l8C1?+Yb9  A codependent person might say: h  %$ % $     `?Y94@ Y9  Y9L  # l<0G1?YW9 $An interdependent person might say: h$ %$ % $     `?Y90@ 9 9H  # l3G1?+9b 4I am overwhelmed by and preoccupied with a person. T ! !      `?9q@ 9 9  # lK J# "  H  0޽h ? f [f f3̙K0  !6(  F    @  J@  b  # l]G1?+b  A codependent person might say:  gg g g G   `?N@  f  # lK J# "  H  0޽h ? f [f f3̙( K0 P(  r  S ФG    G   S tG  <$ 0 G H  0޽h ? f [f f3̙ K0 D(  r  S |G    G   S xG  <$ 0 G    `1?\  S A ??3 H  0޽h ? f [f f3̙( K0 P(  r  S lG    G   S hG  <$ 0 G H  0޽h ? f [f f3̙( K0 P(  r  S ,G    G   S (G  <$ 0 G H  0޽h ? f [f f3̙K0 9(    3 G  KCo-dependent Parent   3 G '  HI am a bad child   C GP   RSomething is wrong with me   3 PGP  D I am ashamed    3 GP   QPerform for approval/love   3 dt@  C Abuse child  4b  # i :b  3 0 4b  #  :b  3 G :b  3 >( 2&' &     `G1?r  [#Hinder Development of God/true self$ 2$  # G  b*Control others to protect & reconcile pain+ +4b  # > K0 0f(  r  S P       S   <$ 0  "p`PpH  0޽h ? f [f f3̙> K0 @f(  r  S        S   <$ 0  "p`PpH  0޽h ? f [f f3̙(K0 P P(   r   S X) P      S @* t<$ 0  H   0޽h ? f [f f3̙%K0   `  = (  .    0 T  S ~01?0 y ,Begin with Public and private self unified ^ # " #  "  )  3 r31?I +Regression of normal thoughts and feelings @+ *# "  -  3 r:1?`  /Increased tolerance toward painful interaction @/ .# "    K   C x(@1?`d _Phase 1- First Phase .'$$  # lLF1?    BCDE@FJ")+79JEXVify|W wwf[OC7." |si`TKA5,#*?tjaZND;1& q1/ 16BN &-6=FR\cejnv{ywttwU "+2@QSXZahvojyaWND=4*# {fV+C72E"Q_ ktB RT[gs @`#" p PH  0޽h ? f [f f3̙K0 iap (    # l1?  0 M <   # lJ1?P |Phase 2-Acute Phase L '$&$$#  # lQ1?p  +Compulsive behavior to medicate inner pain @+ *# "    3 rdW1?@ F  ^ . " :  # l]1?0 p`  BDelusion and projection of pain onto relationships and situations @B A# "    0 M < 4  #  [GR? H  0޽h ? f [f f3̙(K0  D(       C x0f1?0$ tPhase 3 - Chronic Phase @'$'ff  # lpm1?  G   f K0 f(    S =  <$ 0  "p`Ppr  S      H  0޽h ? f [f f3̙J K0 ,r(  ,x , c $      , c $HB  <$ 0  "p`PpH , 0޽h ? f [f f3̙( K0  P(  r  S !       S "  <$ 0  H  0޽h ? f [f f3̙( K0 0 P(   r   S *        S -  <$ 0  H   0޽h ? f [f f3̙( K0 @P(  r  S |7       S x8  <$ 0  H  0޽h ? f [f f3̙( K0 PP(  r  S |H       S L  <$ 0  H  0޽h ? f [f f3̙( K0 `P(  r  S [       S \  <$ 0  H  0޽h ? f [f f3̙( K0 pP(  r  S j       S k  <$ 0  H  0޽h ? f [f f3̙( K0 P(  r  S }       S h~  <$ 0  H  0޽h ? f [f f3̙( K0 P(  r  S \       S X  <$ 0  H  0޽h ? f [f f3̙( K0 P(  r  S D       S ,  <$ 0  H  0޽h ? f [f f3̙( K0 P(  r  S        S hC  <$ 0  H  0޽h ? f [f f3̙4K0 0\(  0x 0 c $l    0 c $h  @p<$ 0  H 0 0޽h ? f [f f3̙ 0 @(  @X @ C     @ S ݏ @    H @ 0޽h ? ̙33 0 D(  DX D C     D S  @    H D 0޽h ? ̙33, 0 wX(  XX X C    w X S 0 @   Being nice may feel safe and may even feel "Christian" to many people. The reality is that "nice" is often a lie. It is often a cover for deep hurt and anger. V*! A! 1! 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